And I was completely horrified by my own statement. Don't be silly? But I love silly! I love making endless fun of boring tasks or making a joke to lighten a sad mood. Silly is my thing and I was staggered, wondering suddenly at how many times I had uttered these words. Don't be silly.
Once I told my then-second-grader child that it was no longer appropriate to cry in school. That she needed to keep it together. That she was simply too old for all of this carrying about. As soon as I said it I knew that I would never live it down. I may not have recognized the gravity and extent of "never living it down" that would ensue.
She is now much older and the other day she visited a school counselor on the occasion of an in-school crying jag. She begged the counselor not to tell me, her own mother about this situation. This situation is that she has never stopped crying in school. For no amazing reason other than math is hard and she tripped in PE and other such stuff. It is exactly what I forbade those many years ago - senseless crying. What I thought was a reasonable request for a second grader has grown and become a monster set-up for parental disappointment in her mind. And so she has kept this monster a habitual secret for literally more years of her life than there were prior to its inception. Crap.
So I watch my words. Carefully now. And sometimes, every small once in a while, I listen to my own words and I am aghast to hear them sounding potentially condescending or demeaning or, worst of all, inconsistent. I know that I'm not alone in this dark parental guilt - don't try to hide. I also know that it is now confirmed fact that I clearly underestimated the impact of my words. Oh, and apparently it's far too late to declare myself incompetent to parent - and so forward I push.
I am highly trained in the martial art of messing with my kids. I tell them to not be silly but then am wildly silly 15 minutes hence. I tell them to eat slowly or match their clothes and then I turn around and tell them to question societal norms and be themselves. I tell them not to cry in class, to act their age, to show a little respect.... And these are just things we say - for no real reason except that they seem like the right and best things to say in the moment. But it would seem that words are more important than we know - they ring in kids heads like that irritating pop song from the morning commute. So great, now I have one more thing to do in the new Jewish year of 5775 - get back to being silly instead of condemning silly. Anyone else? I'll kick off the support group.
Once I told my then-second-grader child that it was no longer appropriate to cry in school. That she needed to keep it together. That she was simply too old for all of this carrying about. As soon as I said it I knew that I would never live it down. I may not have recognized the gravity and extent of "never living it down" that would ensue.
She is now much older and the other day she visited a school counselor on the occasion of an in-school crying jag. She begged the counselor not to tell me, her own mother about this situation. This situation is that she has never stopped crying in school. For no amazing reason other than math is hard and she tripped in PE and other such stuff. It is exactly what I forbade those many years ago - senseless crying. What I thought was a reasonable request for a second grader has grown and become a monster set-up for parental disappointment in her mind. And so she has kept this monster a habitual secret for literally more years of her life than there were prior to its inception. Crap.
So I watch my words. Carefully now. And sometimes, every small once in a while, I listen to my own words and I am aghast to hear them sounding potentially condescending or demeaning or, worst of all, inconsistent. I know that I'm not alone in this dark parental guilt - don't try to hide. I also know that it is now confirmed fact that I clearly underestimated the impact of my words. Oh, and apparently it's far too late to declare myself incompetent to parent - and so forward I push.
I am highly trained in the martial art of messing with my kids. I tell them to not be silly but then am wildly silly 15 minutes hence. I tell them to eat slowly or match their clothes and then I turn around and tell them to question societal norms and be themselves. I tell them not to cry in class, to act their age, to show a little respect.... And these are just things we say - for no real reason except that they seem like the right and best things to say in the moment. But it would seem that words are more important than we know - they ring in kids heads like that irritating pop song from the morning commute. So great, now I have one more thing to do in the new Jewish year of 5775 - get back to being silly instead of condemning silly. Anyone else? I'll kick off the support group.