We went to that adult puppet show play a few years back (that I’m genuinely too lazy to google search the name of) and we left at half time. Because we felt bored. That “Internet is for Porn” thing was funny, but the rest of it just didn’t really do it for us and sitters are super expensive for 4 little kids. So we decided to ditch it and go out for coffee and dessert instead. We often do that – leave a movie or something early because it’s genuinely not worth the platinum kid-free moments that they take up.
Anyway, the point is that we learned that the internet is for porn in this half-show that we saw. And afterward, we discussed and rejected this idea. See, I for one was confident that my children would remain innocent and pure for all eternity. I, in fact, determined early in their lives that technology, for research sake, was an excellent tool with which I would equip them heartily. History! World events! Important stuff is collected in this giant resource! What an amazing thing! When the need for laptops arose (no doubt, a recommended accommodation made by the psychologist who did the Extreme Testing), I carefully set the three kids who have them up with timeforkids.com as their home page and neat parental controls and spy software and other things that you are supposed to do – not because I’m suspicious, but because I heard that was the stuff to do on some blog.
Looking back (only like 6 months back, by the way) I think it’s funny that I imagined a world in which parental controls and timeforkids.com might actually keep kids pure and largely puberty-free. I forgot about school. And other kids. And that was the naiveté of someone who didn’t ask anyone who had teenage kids. Or tweenage kids. Or just any kids with a pimple and 3 armpit hairs.
If you have smaller kids you should for real take a deep breath at the idea that those perfect faces could be filled with pockmarks and that those edible thighs will be hairy. It probably won’t happen in your case, so don’t worry. In fact, none of this will. So shhhhhhhh. Maybe quit reading this.
Back to the internet. I plodded along in the fog of bliss and ignorance for quite a period of time. One day I was helping with some homework and popped into some internet history. In that history there was a search for the definition of a sex-related act which honestly I didn’t myself know how to define. And which is also pretty hard to attribute to a spelling error. The other searches were for various beautiful objets d’art from around the world – statues and paintings and such – all legit artists and all naked. Probably coincidental. And some youtube Minecraft stuff that isn’t about building anything other than a family.
So what might one do, staring at their own child’s bite out of forbidden internet fruit? I actually don’t know because whatever I chose wasn’t exactly a homerun. There was a discussion and there were tears and there were hugs and reassurances and educational moments. There was the exchange of a “your growing body” type book. There was the requisite “there are creepy people out there so beware" warning. There was even some promise I made (which has since been broken) to find some “healthy websites".
But that pesky internet is still out there and porny people appear to have predicted my parental controls and spywear and they, being internet people, are better at this game than I am. I could spend my days scanning 3 tween computers for illicit history but honestly that seems just as creepy and also I don’t have that kind of time or energy. I am still standing here, mouth agape, blown away by what kids have access to and how differently they are growing up and how ill equipped I feel to guide them through this age of digital smut.
And so my parenting innocence is destroyed and my kids stand on the precipice of knowing way more than I do and way more than they need to right now (or ever). I guess I have to dive in and learn more about this scene. Now I wish I had stayed at that puppet show for the whole thing – seems they were wiser than I thought - it turns out the internet may indeed be for porn.